"I'm trying.."

It's been close to two years since my father's death. In October, he would be 68 years old. This past Monday would've been my parents' 46th Anniversary.

When my dad passed away, a friend of mine from high school sent me a message offering his condolences, but then he said something that is so, so true: "Don't let people tell you that the pain gets better."

Yes, the pain and the hurt are still there. But I'm also continuing on with my life. I have to - we all have to. I'm getting married in November and I've asked my dad's twin to walk me down the aisle. He's like a second father to all of us kids. He's excited and I'm thrilled he said he would. We have to move on with our lives.

I was thinking the other day about what I could say if I wrote this blog post, when I came across a note my friend from grade school wrote several years ago after his brother passed away. The story was simple and sweet: He visited his brother at the hospital after emergency surgery and the first thing his brother said to him wasn't "I hurt" or "I need food/pain meds". What he said was, "I'm trying."

What my friend went on to say was that, though it's been several years since his big brother's death, he is also still trying. It was refreshing to read the note because it summed up how I feel when I find myself talking to my dad (or late sister-in-law); I think to myself, 'I'm trying. I'm trying to be the best that I can be, in spite of all of the ups and downs that I've been going through.' I feel they're still watching and rooting me on, and I'm trying to maintain what they've always thought I was.

I got my job at the library shortly after my dad's death. He would always ask if I had found a good job yet and, sure enough, I did. After being at my job for some time, I realized that I would like to get my MLIS (Masters in Library and Information Science) and I wanted to run and call my dad and say, "I'm doing it!" Instead, I looked up and thought of something like, "I'm trying."

My sister-in-law, Lisa, passed away a few months ago and lately, I've been back and forth with my anxiety and depression issues, so it kind of hit me hard. I have possibly more random conversations with her than with my dad. I tell her that it's okay, that I'm okay and that all things have a way of working itself out. We're all trying in one way or another.

We move on because we have to, not because we want to, necessarily. My wedding day is on All Saints' Day, while my reception is on All Souls' Day. There are many reasons for having them on separate days, but the most obvious one is that I want all close friends and family to be present and have a wonderful weekend with us.

And so the circle of life continues. 

(Special thanks to friends David G. and Ryan H.)