Don't Go Viral

When I decided to post this blog, I almost put it under my Social Media Postings blog and thought twice about it. That blog is typically light on topics and I realized that my topic isn't just social media related. It happens everywhere.

You've probably seen a link floating around - on Facebook, on Twitter, on Youtube - links that lead to a phone video of girls fighting. Some of the fights are two-sided, both girls throwing blows to each other, some girls going at it like crazy, some look like all they need is possibly a kiddie pool of jello or mud.

But within the past year (some just this past week), I've been seeing one-sided fights. Bullying fights. I'm talking about videos of groups of girls ganging up on a single individual. I'm talking about a young girl catching another girl off-guard and throwing a severe punch, knocking said girl to the ground, and continually beating and kicking her. About a girl cornering another girl and railing on her, leaving her with nothing but defensive moves. A transgendered Male to Female getting beaten into a seizure in a McDonald's.

And people will sit and record these videos, not once flinching, and make commentary in the background.

What I'm talking about are young girls that have a ruthless attitude with zero direction. Girls that know and believe a Jesus exists, but aren't taught that hatred is a bad thing.

I'm talking about a society where violence like above seems acceptable, yet we cover children's eyes when a love scene comes on in a movie but why? Is it okay to see hatred but not be taught the fundamentals of love?

What I find even more sickening than these young girls thinking it's okay to beat each other to a bloody pulp, is the amount of positive attention they receive. By allowing these videos to go viral, by praising a girl's brazen attitude toward the repercussions of their actions, by telling them it's completely okay (and in fact, cool) to be able to throw a knockout punch, we are telling them to MAKE MORE OF THESE VIDEOS.

Speaking as a woman who was once a young girl with an IDGAF attitude, I will say - if one girl sees the amount of attention another girl gets by beating someone senseless and putting it on Youtube, she might make her own video as well.

I have seen grown adults sharing these videos - MEN that have daughters of their own, sharing these videos and thinking it's funny. Men, I do not wish any harm like this to ANY woman or girl in your family. It's sickening, it's shameful, and it hurts ones pride so bad that some young girls will commit suicide over incidents such as this. I pray that you never have to see your daughter's broken jaw or wipe away her tears when she's ashamed to go to school. I hope you never have to place lawsuits against others and have years of medical bills of reconstructive surgery.

When I was six, there was a girl that lived across the street from me. An older girl (probably closer to my brothers' age, who are seven years older than I). I adored her and thought the world of her. I did not know what types of mental issues she may have had at the time, but one day, while we were playing in her parents' bedroom, she decided it would be fun to pin me down (my arms pinned under her legs) and beat me in the same manner as the girls mentioned above.

I'll remind you before I continue - I was six.

I remember the adrenaline rush, not the pain. I remember the high-heeled shoe she picked up to swing at my face with. I remember running to the bathroom and seeing the bloody lip I had. I remember begging her to stop - because right after she apologized, she did it again.

When I ran to the bathroom (after the second time), I devised a plan. (I believe this is why I'm a quick thinker now in stressful situations!) I knew I had to distance myself as far as possible at that very moment from this crazy, deranged girl.

She "made" me promise not to tell (honey, I looked a mess!) and I told her I wouldn't (I did immediately after. Some lies are meant to be told).

I walked home, crept through the front door, ran into my bedroom and cried. I wasn't sure what to do. I felt battered (I was), abused (I was), and weak (I was not). But most of all, I felt ashamed. I felt like I had done something horribly wrong.

When my mom came into my room to see what I was up to, I hid my face. She asked what was wrong - she saw my face anyway. She told me if someone had hurt me, she wanted to know. I cried and told her everything.

That evening, I watched as my family (three brothers, one sister, both parents) stared at me as I struggled to eat. It was embarrassing. I had bruises behind my ears, a busted lip, a bruised and sore jaw, a bite mark on my cheek (though I don't remember her biting me), my eye hurt but I don't remember what it looked like. I avoided any mirrors.

I thought I would finally tell this story because I feel like I have grown a lot from this situation - even becoming a stronger woman. I have forgiven the girl after many years of hatred. It wasn't worth it.

But from a young, beaten girl's perspective, it fucking sucks. It really, really does. Nothing about it is funny and honestly, I would probably be in therapy (even now) if there had been a video circulating around. The adrenaline rush is one thing - not knowing what's going on and avoiding mirrors, but the idea of seeing it everywhere you look, is too much.

That much pent up hatred is never good. Not for anyone, but especially not for young people. And to find it funny. But even more disappointing, sad, and shocking are the amount of adults that allow such things to get such a high circulation. Even they find it funny.

To the young ladies that do these things: Understand that it doesn't end with beating that b**ch's ass. Know that if you hit someone hard enough, you will kill them. And you will end up in prison for a long time with hardly anything to look forward to.

You wanna fight? Take a martial arts class to get out some of that anger.

You wanna fight? Fight with your mind. Pick up a book and educate yourself.

Or play chess ;)

Google Rochelle Ballantyne, a 17 year old girl that hasn't gone as viral as some of those videos, but fully deserves it. She is on her way to becoming the first African American female chess master.

To Rochelle: I am proud of you. You give me hope in today's youth. You should be every young girl's role model. You deserve all the praise the Internet has to offer. Keep playing.

(http://www.corvalliscommunitypages.com/Americas/US/Oregon/corvallis/Benjamin_Stagl.htm - Image)

"What I Want to be When I Grow Up" by Sarabi

I feel I may be cursed in libraries. Ohhh, but I love them so!

I used to watch The Mummy over and over again and watch with glee and envy when Rachel Weisz's character, Evie, stood up in her drunken stupor and proclaimed: "I am .... a LIBRARIAN!"

There are several professions that I could see myself in that would make me equally as happy. I used to want to be a dancer, but those days are long gone (along with the many hours of formal training!). I still dance, yes - I love to! And I even still take dance classes. If I had a daughter, I would be that mom that would take her to her dance class and let the teacher know, "Yes... *I* used to dance... at one time." I would be like that annoying parent that lets their theater major child know that they get their skills from them because, clearly, that one high school production that they recited one line in made them an infamous thespian.

(Funny story: My own father told a similar story to me. He was in a play in grade school and he said he had one line that he had to recite when he entered the stage: "Entering ..... the Handsome Duke!" I honestly think he might have made it up, though my mom and I found it equally hilarious and from that day forward called him Duke. And whenever he'd enter a room, he'd announce his arrival: "Entering ..... the Handsome DUKE!" Really, Dad?)

I thought about dropping theater altogether and trying something more daring and more time consuming overall: Archaeology with an emphasis in Egyptology. Everyone that knows me knows that I have a huge fascination with anything Ancient Egypt. I even ordered several books on Amazon on anything Egypt that I could possibly delve into, also watching multiple documentaries and going to the History Channel's and National Geographic's websites.

After thoroughly studying and reviewing how King Tutankhamun's body was desecrated when they found his tomb, I realized that I could never disturb someone's resting place, especially ancient kings and queens. Too much bad karma and juju. So, I continued on my path, while still nosing in both fiction and non-fiction books on multiple Egyptian topics.

Another historical aspect that I find interesting is Vlad the Impaler's life, as well as Eastern European folklore. One of my favorite novels is Dracula. I have several copies of Dracula, each with a different cover - some designed by great artists. Yes, I am well aware that Bram Stoker didn't exactly use Vlad as his inspiration, but the implicated connection is there. I love that there are stories all over Europe about the infamous Wallachian and many myths about his torture methods of his enemies, or in most stories, anyone that dared test him.

I continued, all through childhood and into adulthood, shoving my nose in many books and developing my interests through multiple literary outlets.

Now, as I struggle again to find a path that I can stick to (my own personal yellow brick road, if you will), I am thinking, What's more powerful than a librarian?

If you would have asked me that a month ago, I would say "Nothing!!" But, as I study my interests and re-read all I've written on just this blog alone and as I remember how I would passionately tell patrons about topics that they've shown a similar interest to (and sometimes coming up empty-handed: "We don't own this?? WHY NOT??"), I'm thinking - the answer has been right in front of me.

On my quest to finding what I, Sarah, want to be when I grow up, I'm realizing that I want to be a student. I want to be a teacher. I want to be a writer. I want to be ..... a Historian.

Whether amateur or professional, historians are always learning, always writing, always reading, always talking about languages (another thing I'm good at picking up), folklore, literature, weaponry, historical figures, kings, queens, Eastern Europe, Ancient Egypt,  Medieval Times, torture devices, etc. etc. etc.

What's more powerful than a librarian?

Knowledge.

Whether I'm in school and decide to get my MLIS or a PhD in History or whether I decide to be self-taught, self-educated, I shall continue to read. Because what's more powerful than all of that is the knowledge and the will to want to do better. To continue to walk into a library and read, read, read, learn, learn, learn.

On I shall continue. On I shall march. With my head held high and a book in my hand (or many books). Knowledge.

معرفة

знания

kennis

γνώση

connaissance

bilgi

cunoștințe

maarifa

conocimiento

ידע       

"I'm trying.."

It's been close to two years since my father's death. In October, he would be 68 years old. This past Monday would've been my parents' 46th Anniversary.

When my dad passed away, a friend of mine from high school sent me a message offering his condolences, but then he said something that is so, so true: "Don't let people tell you that the pain gets better."

Yes, the pain and the hurt are still there. But I'm also continuing on with my life. I have to - we all have to. I'm getting married in November and I've asked my dad's twin to walk me down the aisle. He's like a second father to all of us kids. He's excited and I'm thrilled he said he would. We have to move on with our lives.

I was thinking the other day about what I could say if I wrote this blog post, when I came across a note my friend from grade school wrote several years ago after his brother passed away. The story was simple and sweet: He visited his brother at the hospital after emergency surgery and the first thing his brother said to him wasn't "I hurt" or "I need food/pain meds". What he said was, "I'm trying."

What my friend went on to say was that, though it's been several years since his big brother's death, he is also still trying. It was refreshing to read the note because it summed up how I feel when I find myself talking to my dad (or late sister-in-law); I think to myself, 'I'm trying. I'm trying to be the best that I can be, in spite of all of the ups and downs that I've been going through.' I feel they're still watching and rooting me on, and I'm trying to maintain what they've always thought I was.

I got my job at the library shortly after my dad's death. He would always ask if I had found a good job yet and, sure enough, I did. After being at my job for some time, I realized that I would like to get my MLIS (Masters in Library and Information Science) and I wanted to run and call my dad and say, "I'm doing it!" Instead, I looked up and thought of something like, "I'm trying."

My sister-in-law, Lisa, passed away a few months ago and lately, I've been back and forth with my anxiety and depression issues, so it kind of hit me hard. I have possibly more random conversations with her than with my dad. I tell her that it's okay, that I'm okay and that all things have a way of working itself out. We're all trying in one way or another.

We move on because we have to, not because we want to, necessarily. My wedding day is on All Saints' Day, while my reception is on All Souls' Day. There are many reasons for having them on separate days, but the most obvious one is that I want all close friends and family to be present and have a wonderful weekend with us.

And so the circle of life continues. 

(Special thanks to friends David G. and Ryan H.)

For My Sister

Today is my big sister’s birthday. I won’t say how old she is (all I’ll say is that she’s thirteen years older than me…) but that hardly matters!

For the past few decades, she has raised me, taught me right from wrong, encouraged me, supported me, even backed up the bad decisions I’ve made, the ones that we all have to learn from for ourselves.

In 5th grade, she came to my Spelling Bee. I was so excited to be in the Bee that year – I had won in our class by spelling “Encyclopedia” – now I was up against the rest of the winners in the school! I don’t remember what word I had to spell, but I got it wrong and sat there, embarrassed, for the rest of the Bee. But there was another face in the audience that sat there through the whole thing along with me – my sister, Shelly. She was there to support me, as usual. She was proud of me, regardless of the word I failed to spell correctly.

When I was thirteen, I had the crush of a lifetime – a crush that lasted for a few years. I remember getting the mail one day and it was a note from my sister – she had clipped out a Dear Abby article about a girl’s puppy love. I thought, ‘What is she trying to tell me? That I’m THIS stupid??’ That wasn’t it at all. She saw her sister broken hearted and didn’t want her to dwell over it any longer, so in her big sisterly way, she helped the best way she could at the time: reaching out to me via mail and showing me what was happening to me through an advice column. She got her point across loud and clear, even if I didn’t want to hear it at the time. (But thank you – I think I still have that article in the envelope somewhere)

I used to love to sleep over at my sister’s apartment on 6^th Street when I was in grade school. She always had the coolest movies to watch (where I first watched – and fell in love with – Brendan Frasier in School Ties!) and the best snacks! She’d take me to school, just a few blocks away, in the morning (after making cinnamon rolls! Yum.)

That’s when we started taking Karate classes together. Because clearly, the way us girls are in our family, it’s probably not a good idea if we throw anything and everything we can and curse every name in the book and basically frighten anyone that tries to break in to our homes. We should try to contain ourselves with… Ka-rah-te. Self discipline. Which is why I karate chopped my poor sister in the neck on our second day. I really didn’t mean to, I think I was mad our instructors were so Cobra Kai militant that I had to do push-ups when my eyes wandered around the room, looking at stretching devices (you put me on that and we’ll have some bigger problems than karate chopping, buddy). So, like a good sister, I took it out on Shelly with a “Haaaiiii-YA” to the neck. (She was completely okay, but I did get a giggle out of our instructor. Heheheh) We stopped going about a month in. Meh, we knew enough. We were more Drunken Master than Mr. Miyagi anyway.

(Note to Martial Arts instructors: You should probably not have what looks like torture devices hanging around your dojo, because I WILL stare and if you make me do push-ups again for staring, you’ll have to pry my Wolverine claws off your knee caps and neck. Not a threat, just.. saying… Don’t.)

I remember one night I slept over and we were in bed and she got a late night phone call from her then fiancé, Kerry, who lived in Wisconsin while we resided in Indiana, stating that he wouldn’t be able to make it to see her that weekend. She hung up and began to cry. I remember thinking how in love she must be and I asked her what was wrong, even though I knew. She said she was okay, that Kerry wouldn’t be able to make it that weekend and she missed him, was all. But it hurt me to see her so upset over something that some would consider trivial. (Now, she might be embarrassed that I’ve mentioned her crying on my blog, but it’s an important detail in the story and it’s also important that everyone knows that I’m honestly not the only case basket in my family – just the biggest! :P) That was when I knew that he meant so much to her.

Fast forward a year or so later and I am a bridesmaid in her wedding (wearing a not very flattering dress, I might add. Geez! Though it was right for the time period, I guess. I’ll give you that!) and I didn’t think I’d get emotional at all – I was really happy for her and knew I’d still see her often, even though she was moving to Wisconsin to start her family. But as I sat in the pew, watching them light their unity candle, I began to cry. Not tears of joy, but tears of sorrow. I was sad that I was losing my sister! I could no longer have sleepovers at her apartment, or take karate classes, or make cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I quickly learned she wasn’t leaving me as a sister, she was starting her own family that she would share with me and the rest.

I remember holding her son for the first time. I thought I would break him, he was so tiny. I went home after that weekend and tried to picture him older, a teenager, and just couldn’t do it. I knew I was fond of him though. And now look….

…he’s a teenager. And him and I get along just how I always imagined. *cough*I’mTheFavoriteAunt*cough,cough* :D

And, also just like I thought, you raised a great son. You always say you’re proud of me and my accomplishments, but *I* am proud of YOU.

I may not be the best sister or friend or girlfriend, but I will say that I have the memory of an elephant, so if you’ve done something for me in the past, know that I have yet to forget it. One could barely hint at something, and I’ll know exactly what they’re talking about. Shelly may not even remember the moments I’m bringing up, but I do. Some how, in some way, they have impacted my life for the better.

I remember when she wanted to write a book about her/our life – I thought it was a brilliant idea and I wanted in on it somehow, even if it was just reading first drafts (I am forever the reader/writer of the family) She sent me a chapter or two of what she had written, but after that, she forgot about it and decided not to write it. I loved it though! I was so proud of her for attempting to take on such a huge task like writing a book! Especially about our lives. Writing a book isn’t easy, if anyone is curious. And when you write about your own past, you’re forced to go into both the good moments and relive the bad moments. It can be quite draining. Maybe that’s why she stopped writing it, but if she’s reading this (and I know she is, because, well, SISTERS) I want her to know that I encourage her to continue when she gets the chance! I think all of my siblings (we have three brothers) could write a book about their own lives if they chose to do so. We’ve all had such rich and colorful lives so far – imagine if we all collaborated on one big book! And, of course, I find myself writing this.

I love you, Shelly. I am so proud of who you are as a sister, a mother, a wife, a friend, and a woman. There isn't a perfect gift for a great sister, so this time, I did what I do best: Write. <3 span="">

P.S. - Yes, I still have your anklet. 

Let Your Inner Light Shine

When that darkness seeps over your soul, there's a second - a moment - where you forget those around you, those that love you......but when that light clicks on again, you might reach out to someone or think, "Never again."

I hate to break it to you all, but sometimes.....that light never comes back on. But please - don't think anything is YOUR fault - you can't stop certain things from happening. No one can......all you can do in times of someone else's moments of weakness is simply let them know you are there for them and that you love them. Trust me....it's enough. :) Depression/Mental illness IS a thing. Don't let it take over you and your mind! Let that light bulb click on!

Below, I've made a list of my "Lights" - the things that help me get through those moments. Maybe some of these things can help you or someone you know.

1. Chess!

- I list Chess first, even though it's still something new to me. But chess makes me think - and I notice that in my weakest, saddest moments, is when I fight harder on the board. I beat my chess coach just yesterday and I have a LOT going on right now mentally. (Although HE may have another story!! Haha!)

Chess reminds me of my father and his strength. At times, I feel like I'm playing him... other times, I feel he's playing through me, like yesterday. I was catching some CRAZY positions several moves ahead that normally I stumble on!

 (My lovely fossil and red onyx chess set, given to me on my birthday by my fiance, Niko <3 br="">

2. Dance/music

- Dance is my heart, my soul. When I dance, I feel whole. There are some dancers that manage to move me to tears because of where their heart is at at the time. I feel it. It's beautiful and a great way to get out extra stress and anxiety. Just move!


3. Meditation

- Some may have issues with meditation and wonder how it works, exactly. But meditation comes in many forms, some being Martial Arts. Martial Arts is just as mental as it is physical. Though I am a huge fan of different fighting styles (Tai Chi, Aikido, BJJ, Muy Thai..) I have yet to learn one particular style (it's on my list!). So I meditate spiritually (at a resting state) and sometimes in my Nia dance class. Nia combines modern dance, Tai Chi and Yoga into one expressive art form.

More on Nia here: http://www.nianow.com/practice

Also, shot of my friend, Theresa's shop in Terre Haute (Kamikaze Karate!):

...because Bruce makes me happy. (http://www.kamikazekarate.com/)

4. Family/friends/pets

-All of the above are key. I try to tell the ones I care about that I love them all the time. After my dad died, I remember thinking about how short our time is on this planet. What are we doing with our lives and why aren't we enjoying it more? Why do we find it so hard to tell the people around us that we care? 

(Dog-Jitsu! Niko and Athena Dog-Jitsu-ing on the floor. Yes.... oh yes.. it's a thing.)



There are other things that I use to settle anxiety/depression (like my tea!), but these are the big ones for me.

Okay, another shameless plug of something that manages to combine all of my Zen moments into one, an organization that some of you may have heard of: The Hip Hop Chess Federation. These people do AMAZING things. I ask each and every one of you reading this, please read this:

HHCF Summer Camp Program

 ... and donate if you can. "The HHCF fuses Hip-Hop Chess and Martial Arts to promote unity, strategy and nonviolence." And guess what? It works :)

I'm hoping one day soon, Cincinnati will have its own branch of the HHCF. We have so many youth here that have so much talent!

Similarly, we have Elementz Hip Hop Youth Center (http://elementz.org/wp/about/), another amazing organization right here in Cincy, helping youth remain off the streets and putting their minds in more positive places.

If you've read this far, I thank you. Stay positive and know that you are loved. <3 p="">
~S